Six months.

Six months have passed since I lost the most important part of my life. In a lot of ways, it's almost impossible to believe that it's already been six months. In a lot of other ways, that six months feels like an entire lifetime, and in a lot of ways, it has been.

I've made changes. Lots of changes, most of which were intended to help preserve my sanity. I've painted, rearranged, and decluttered. I said goodbye to both of our beloved dogs and sent them out into the world to begin new lives with new families. I've traveled, I've gotten out and done things that I didn't even know existed. I've learned to enjoy living alone for the first time in my life, to the point where I don't know that I can see myself ever wanting to share my living space with anyone else again. I've made new friends, and I've reconnected with long-lost friends, and I've strengthened my relationships with existing friends. (And oh, I can't possibly say enough about how much my friends and family have helped me through this. I honestly don't know if I would have survived without some of these wonderful people.) All in all, I've taken the first (and most important) steps toward beginning a new life. 

It hasn't always been easy. I don't know that it ever will be easy. I still cry every single day, and I honestly can't picture having a day when I don't. And really, that's okay with me. Todd deserves to be remembered, and to be mourned. I don't cry for me, I cry for him. I cry for all of the things he's missing, and all the exciting things that I want to share with him. I cry for all of the people who miss him and need him so very, very much. I cry because the world is a darker and emptier place without him in it.

In the end, I'd still do it all over again. Falling in love with Todd was the smartest thing I've ever done in my life, and I don't regret a minute of the twelve years we spent together. That's not to say that he was perfect, or that we were always happy. Both of those statements would be untrue, and I refuse to do our relationship the injustice of reducing it to a fairy tale, and the reality was so much better than that.

So, yes. Six months have passed, and I'm still here. I'm still getting up every morning, and finding something to be grateful for every day. Every morning I choose to move forward, and to find pieces of happiness where I can. I lost a large piece of myself on that fateful day, but every day, a different me continues to grow. I'll never be the person I was before I met him, and I'll never be the person I was when I was with him. The person I'm going to become, though, I kind of think that I like her, and I'm pretty sure that she's going to be just fine.

Comments

[Mags]

She is not only going to be fine, she is going to take over the world.

Love you, Kitteh. Proud of the person you are, person you were, and the person you are becoming.

xxoo

[Kristie]

I'm a little late to the game here but I love this post. It's beuatiful just like you. xxoo